1. The local loan shark’s one legged debt collector came to my house, I told him “no one leans on me.”
2. I went out for dinner the other night with Daisy Duck, she’s one kinky bird - I ended up footing the bill.
3. I always come up with my best ideas in the theatre corridor, I call it “thinking outside of the box“.
4. I went to join the army, but I didn’t get past basic training. No matter how many times I tried, I could never complete the assault course, I was just banging my head against a brick wall.
5. I’d have thought that my new industrial sized garden shredder would have come with operating instructions, it’s already cost me an arm and a leg.
6. I had to drop out of midwifery school, I couldn’t go full term.
7. I love gadgets, the other day I bought an iron with a phone built in - I rang my Dad to try it out and he said “Mum and I were just talking about you, your ears must be burning”
8. I have all my clothes made from reeds, great when I want to get dressed in a rush.
9. I’m crate training my dog, but he is aggressive one minute, and all sloppy the next, he cries and howls, throws up everywhere and the other day I caught him pissing in my wardrobe. I think I’ll try him with a different crate, Stella doesn’t seem to agree with him.
10. I was on the parade ground when the drill instructor marched up to me, he didn’t look very happy. He said “are they your best boots lad?” I said “no sir they’re back in barracks” he said “why aren’t your wearing them?” I said “ I didn’t think cowboy boots would be appropriate sir”
11. I caught a bus the other day, I’m stronger than I look.
12. I’ve had an extractor fan in my kitchen for six months, I’ve asked the police to get rid of him, but you won’t believe the rights that former agricultural vehicle enthusiasts have.
13. My Grandfather was a road sweeper man and boy. For years he pushed his broom come rain or shine and the local kids called him bogey. He didn’t earn a lot, but he saved every spare penny he had. On the day of his retirement, that proud little man blew his life savings on a little boat called dignity. With a smile on his face a tear in his eye he sailed his beautiful little boat out of the harbor - straight into the Isle of Wight ferry – What a tit.
14. I don’t know if the headmaster of my high school was more angered or disappointed when someone sprayed “Hells Angles” on our woodwork shop. I suppose if the idiot had done it on the Maths building he could have claimed it as a piece of clever satire.
15. The wife said I don’t do enough with the kids, so I took them to see ‘animals on ice‘ - it didn’t’t go down well, I think they were expecting people in cute animal suits ice-skating - not a tour of the local Abattoir.
16. John Prescott says he’s fat because he has an eating disorder, my arse, the only thing stopping him going to weight watchers is the door frame.
