Leaked Cabinet Minutes (Well, Sort Of).

Tuesday morning Cabinet meeting in the Council Chamber.

Gordon: “Good morning my Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to start today's meeting in the usual way with a prayer - Oh Lord protect us, the minorities of this land, from the English. Let them remain ignorant to our purpose and let our spin forever fog their minds. Amen and Ock aye the noo.”

Cabinet: “Amen and Ock aye the noo.” (various whispers of "Sassenach filth" and “chav scum” )

Gordon: “Now now, remember the secretary is taking minutes and we still need to find a way to sneak that Freedom of Information Exemption Bill through.”

Cabinet: (mutterings of “expenses are a bloody perk” and “bugger the unwashed masses”)

Gordon: “Yes, well, moving on to the apologies. It seems that the entire Cabinet have managed to attend. Well done everyone.”

Cabinet: Here! Here!

Gordon: “We have however, had one apology. It’s from he who must not be named. He says ‘sorry’.”

Darling: “I don’t understand, why is Ton… er… I mean, he who must not be named, apologising for missing the meeting? I thought we had got rid of him.”

Gordon: “He’s not apologising for missing the meeting Darling, he’s just apologising!”

Miliband: “Tee hee, good one boss.”

Gordon: “You are a lovely boy David. Who says I can’t do witty? Eh? Eh?”

Darling: “Not me Gordon, I think you are ever so frightfully funny!”

Gordon: “Stop snivelling Darling.”

Darling: “Me snivelling? What about Dave ‘the wonder boy’ Miliband?”

Gordon: “Leave David out of this Darling - he’s special. (Gordon’s eyes mist over for a few seconds) Ahem, now where was I? oh yes, has anybody got anything interesting going on in their ministries?”

Cabinet: (Non-committal mutterings).

Gordon: “Come now, someone must have something going on. Hilary, don’t you have something you would like to share with the group?

Hilary Benn: “Weeeell, there is that tiresome little outbreak of foot and mouth that could just possibly be from that lab we cut the funds to last year. But if you’ve seen BBC News 24 you know as much as I do.”

Gordon: “Right, here is what we are going to do in this period of national crisis: Hilary you are to continue watching BBC News 24 and keep the rest of us up to speed on any developments they report. Ok?”

Hilary Benn: “Yes boss, you can count on me boss, it’s all under control, I‘m your man boss.”

Gordon: “Hilary, don’t call me boss, it’s Gordon or PM. Got it?”

Hilary Benn: “But Miliband gets to call you boss, boss.”

Gordon: “For God’s sake! For the last time, David is special! Bugger, I’ve got one of my heads coming on now. Right that’s it, this meeting is over. Miss Jones I’m going to take my daily exercise to see if I can work this head off. Please see that I’m not disturbed.”

Secretary: “Yes Prime Minister, sir.”

Gordon: “I’ll see you later David.” (The spirit of a smile forms briefly on Gordon’s lips).

Gordon leaves the meeting and no more than a minute later, a strange, rhythmic creaking is heard coming from the room above the Council Chamber and the faint, strangled cries of “giddy-up Dobbin, giddy-up Dobbin,” drift down upon the puzzled gathering.