Tuesday, 17 March 2009

HMS Indefensible handed over to Royal Navy.

Received via email.

It's 2038. HMS Indefensible has been handed over to the Royal Navy...

Today in a grand ceremony at Portsmouth dockyard HMS Indefensible was commissioned into the Royal Navy. Described as the most stealthy warship in the world, she is now the only vessel in the Royal Navy and replaces 2 mothballed aircraft carriers, 6 destroyers and 4 submarines. Responding to criticism about the shrinking fleet, the MoD replied "It's not about numbers, it's about quality not quantity. HMS Indefensible represents a revolution in naval procurement, stealthy, light and agile she will provide a highly flexible platform. She is invisible to radar and almost immune to torpedo or missile attack. Her shallow draft makes her ideal for work in the littoral (coastal) areas. She is also highly efficient with virtually zero carbon emissions and zero fuel consumption."

Admiral Sir James Bland added "She is ready to respond instantly to events and can be deployed to trouble spots anywhere in the world. The RAF have promised to fly her to wherever she's needed provided (1)They are not busy (2)The weather is OK (3)There is a large airfield provided by a friendly foreign nation close by".

Constructed by Britain's only ship builder BVATe Systems in Birmingham, taking 8 years to build, and costing just £1.5 Billion she is a triumph of British engineering. Her forward section was built in China in 2 weeks and then shipped to the UK. The forward section was then joined to the stern built in Birmingham and the complex technical systems installed. However the programme was not all plain sailing and has not been without its problems "The original design included an outboard motor but early in the building process the Treasury insisted cost savings had to be made so out went the motor. After some time spent on computer-modelling and research we selected oars" said a BVATe spokesperson.

Although £1.2 Billion over-budget and 3 years late, Secretary of State for Defence, William Bragg says we can all be proud "The Type 48 programme has sustained 10,000 British manufacturing jobs in addition to 30,000 civil servants in the MoD project team. She will represent the leading edge of British manufacturing wherever she goes and is worth every penny" Bragg is also says he is hoping to see export orders soon although as yet there has been little interest.

Some observers have commented that her lack of any armament could be a problem but the MoD answered robustly "The Foreign Office advised us that carrying weapons can be seen as provocative and that actually firing a weapon at someone would definitely infringe their human rights. We considered this advice at an early stage in the design process and together with the fabulous cost-savings, the case for having no armament was overwhelming".

Her commanding officer, Commander Rupert Tubworthy-Pollock said "To be selected from the 1,200 officers still serving in the RN for the only seagoing command available is a great privilege. Bringing her out of build and into commission has been a huge challenge but I'm confident she will prove to be a great asset".

With a crew of just 2, she is a fine example of lean-manning, reducing running costs and lessening the RN's recruitment headaches. Her crew, AB "soapy" Watson said "On my last ship I had to share the mess with 40 other men but on the new Type 48 sharing is far a less of a problem. As I'm now the only rating in the Royal Navy I have a lot of responsibility".

HMS Indefensible is expected to complete sea trials shortly, go to Plymouth for Operational Sea Training, have a short refit in Rosyth and then and be deployed as part of the new Euro-Navy task force.


8 comments:

Dungeekin said...

*Applauds*

A masterwork. Nice one.

D

IUnknown said...

Very good!

I was just reaching for the beta-blockers when I got to midway...

Gallimaufry said...

If there's only 1,200 naval officers left in 2038, one thousand of them will be Admirals.

Rob Farrington said...

You forgot to add that she also features a crossbow and slingshot, which cannot be countered by any form of countermeasure from a modern combat aircraft.

Rob Farrington said...

Oops, change that to can POTENTIALLY carry a crossbow and slingshot in times of national emergency!

Sorry, it's been a long day and I'm tired!

Strompy said...

Have to love the quantity over quality argument. Makes absolutely no sense but people keep on dragging it out. I'd like to see how they explain a Churchill-class nuclear-powered submarine vis a vis an Astute-class. A Type 42 compares to a Type 45, etc, etc..

"well! we had a lot more" lol

Tabloid naval experts. Lol!

Anonymous said...

Steve these will brighten up your day. Made me laugh out loud.

If Tommy Cooper were alive today!!

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
And one they missed out:
A man goes to the doctor and say's:
Doctor when I put my arm over my head, it hurt's, and the Doctor said,
"well don't do it then" Boom! Boom! - 'Bless Him'.

Letters From A Tory said...

To be fair, with the horrific levels of debt that we are going to be lumbered with for the next 20 or 30 years, that boat is probably the most we can hope for.