Does Jacqui Smith's hubby have an orange penis?

Richard Timney goes into the doctors and shows the GP his bright orange penis. The Doctor is puzzled and asks Richard: "Does anyone in your family have a similar condition?" Richard says: "No." "Well" the doctor says "Do you handle any chemicals at work?" - "No, I don't work." says Richard. "Well what do you do?" asks the doctor. "Well I usually sit at home watching porn and eating Wotsits."

Cameron - Strong relationships will save the UK (Relate).

Speaking at the Welsh Conservative party conference, David Cameron continued to push his call for strong family values and social responsibility. David said the party would:

"End the couple penalty in the benefits system that pays parents to live apart. "We need to reduce family breakdown by reducing the pressures that help cause it. "That's why we'll help families spend more time together."

David is right to promote strong families through the tax system, but can't the government do more than that?

We have all seen statistics that show that most of our society's problems can be traced back to broken homes - the amount of kids who fail in school, the number of drug abusers, the percentage of inmates in our prisons, child abuse, domestic violence - the figures all show that a stable relationships lead to healthier kids and an healthier society. I'm not saying that if you come from a broken home (like me) you are going to be a pox on society - I'm just pointing out that the figures show that it is more likely.

So why don't we help save as many relationships as possible? Why don't we push relationship counselling more? Instead of telling us how to live our lives like the current government does, why don't we give advice as to where to find relationship counselling? The government could support RELATE, a great organisation which is short of funds and even shorter on manpower.

Relate provides relationship counselling (used to be marriage guidance) and operate from 600 locations all over England, Wales and Northern. Unfortunately they have to rely on donations, and you are likely to have to wait for a month for your first appointment. This service should be fully subsidised by the government and it should be free and easily accessible to all couples.

From the Relate website:

Government figures estimate the direct cost to the public purse of relationship breakdown as an estimated £5 billion, including housing costs, benefits and unemployment. Indirect costs, when taking into account poorer outcomes in areas such as children and adult health, have been estimated at £24 billion.

Surely this should be our number one priority when it comes to fixing our broken society. Statistics show that if we can keep more relationships together, then more of our children can expect a better future.

Jacqui Smith claimed for TV porn on expenses?

Jacqui Smith is having to pay back money she claimed for her pay-for-view TV. What I like is the fact that two "Adult films" were included as part of the expenses claim. Jacqui wasn't in at the time the pornos were viewed - naughty naughty hubby! - must be all that time Jacqui is supposedly spending at her sister's house.

On a more serious note Jacqui Smith MUST be sacked for this fraudulent expense claim. Let me explain why: during my time in the Royal Navy, we were allowed to claim a few trips home on expenses, either the rail fare, or we could claim the petrol money back. If at any time your claim did not match the actual journey undertaken, then you were immediately dishonourably discharged from the service - first offence - zero tolerance - NO IFS - NO BUTS.

Jacqui should not resign - she MUST be sacked.

Not only that, but will man hater Harriet say?

UPDATE: Apparently the naughty films were: Confessions of an MP, and Screwing Joe public.

This video of the hubby apologising is just embarrassing.

Just how abysmal can the Mirror's Opinion get?

I've seen some crap articles in my time, but this one from the Mirror's Opinion section has to take the biscuit. It's just pathetic, unsubstantiated cheer leading crap. I hope whoever wrote this load of old pony wasn't paid for it.

Who is "The voice of the Mirror"? Does anyone care? Does this person have the initials KM?

Gordon Brown - hopeless snotgobbler turns hapless globetrotter.

Our hopeless snotgobbler Gordon Brown has turned into our hapless globetrotter. The Chilean president Michelle Bachelet managed to get a bit of a dig in at Brown today (no doubt number ten's rapid denial squad will say it was a translation problem). President Bachelet said Chile was in good economic shape "because of our decision during the good times to save some of the money for the bad times."

Her comments mirrored those of David Cameron's leaky roof and Daniel Hannan's un-seaworthy ship. George Osborne, said:

"The President of Chile is right to point out, as we have done, that countries that put aside money in the good years are the ones that can afford to spend that money now without adding recklessly to national debt.

"Gordon Brown is getting lessons from the Latin Americans about sound public finances. You couldn't make it up. It is because under Labour, Britain suffers the national embarrassment of having the biggest budget deficit by far of any G20 country."

Gordon, please call an election before there is no return from your folly.

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Daniel Hannan Devalued Prime Minister

From David Cameron:

I believe this week has marked a defining moment in this economic crisis. For Mervyn King, the Governor of the Bank of England, to come out and say Gordon Brown is wrong to be pursuing a second fiscal stimulus - because the country simply cannot afford it - is an exceptional turn of events. Gordon Brown harangued us for being isolated when we repeatedly said the country could not afford this extra debt. Now it turns out we were right.

I kicked off the week by replying to Gordon Brown's statement on Europe - which brings me on to Dan Hannan's brilliant response to Gordon Brown in the European Parliament. It was so effective and shows the growing power of the internet over TV.

The Cult - She Sells Sanctuary.

By the early 1990s, the band was fraying behind the scenes, due to alcohol abuse and off-stage tensions, leading to a split-up in 1995.[1] Between 1999 and 2002, the band reformed to record the album Beyond Good and Evil, and they reissued all of their albums in Asia and eastern Europe in 2003 and Japan in 2004. In 2006, the band reformed again to perform a series of worldwide tours. In October 2007, the band released the album Born into This, on the Roadrunner Records label. As of December 2008, The Cult are back in the studio and currently writing new material for a ninth album release due for the summer of 2009. Wikipedia

Hazel O'Connor - Eighth Day.

In 1989 Hazel wrote - "I ran away from my home in Coventry when I was 16.....made and sold clothes in Amsterdam, picked grapes in France, joined a dance troupe that went to Tokyo then onto Beirut (escaping the start of the civil war by one month!) travelled West Africa, crossed the Sahara, sang with a dreadful singing trio for the U.S. troops in Germany and came home to "settle down". Through all this experience of life and the world I realized that singing always cheered me up. I decided to be a singer. Through strange turns of fate I ended up in a film called Breaking Glass I also ended up writing all the songs for the movie" Wikipedia.

Gordon Brown - I want public spending cut you Muppet!

David Cameron has told Gordon Brown that his claims of reaching a consensus in Europe on dealing with the recession are "completely ridiculous". Cameron pointed out that no other EU had followed Brown's failed VAT cut (£12.5bn down the Suwannee). In response Brown came out with the old chestnut that the Tories want to cut public spending.

Well I hope that Gordon Brown is right! I may be a Conservative party member now, but I've voted Labour all my life (yeah I know - what an idiot) and even I want to see big cuts in public spending. However, the cuts I want to see are the ones that Cameron is proposing - and they are cuts in the massive waste caused by the mismanagement of this Labour government. Brown is barking up the wrong tree if he thinks that the public will see Tories cutting spending as a bad thing when Labour debt is spiralling out of control.

Has Brown forgotten all those stories in the press about government mismanagement and disastrous waste? Well he's a fool is he thinks the people have. We want to see belts tightened, we want to see waste cut, we want to see an end to massive, intrusive government databases that cost billions and nearly always fail. We don't want an I.D card system that will be full of holes, in fact we don't want one at all.

So I hope that Brown keeps going on about Tory cuts, because I and I'm sure a great many tax payers want to see an end to Labour government waste.

Ken Clarke and splits - it was only a matter of time.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think there is a split between Ken Clarke and the rest of the Tory party on tax, but it was only a matter of time before the accusations from Labour started. And unfortunately this is only Labour's opening salvo before they really ramp up their Tory split campaign at the Euro elections. Bringing Clarke back had split written all over it - Brown and Mandelson probably couldn't believe their luck.

Cameron has made a massive error of judgement bringing Clarke back. He has underestimated Clarke's love of speaking his mind, and he has underestimated how low Brown and Mandelson will stoop. It doesn't matter if the split is real, Brown will use the word split in the next six months as much as he has used global in the last six months. Brown thinks that some people are stupid enough to believe anything if you say it enough, and unfortunately he is right.

I was exceedingly angry to hear that Clarke was coming back. I knew, and Cameron should have known that the only thing that could possibly give Labour a chance of winning the next election would be a divided Conservative party. Sadly we are stuck with Clarke now because getting rid of him will only fuel the Tory split stories. I have a very bad feeling about the future of the party. Big beast Clarke may be, but he is also a man with a big mouth and an even bigger ego.

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Small Faces - Lazy Sunday 1967

On 4 September 2007, a Small Faces and Don Arden commemorative plaque, issued by the London Borough of Westminster,[16] was unveiled in their memory in Carnaby Street. An emotional Kenney Jones attended the ceremony and said in a BBC television interview, "To honour the Small Faces after all these years is a terrific achievement. I only wish that Steve Marriott, Ronnie Lane and the late Don Arden were here to enjoy this moment with me" Wikipedia.

Nice one octogenarian! - He tells Brown to keep his 25p.

Nice one octogenarian! Alan Roberts, from Four Oaks, Birmingham has sent his 80th birthday pension increase back to Gordon Brown in disgust. Alan taped the massive increase (25p a week) to a piece of paper that he enclosed in a letter addressed to Brown. In the letter Alan said:

“Having today reached my 80th birthday, I have received notification that my state pension is to be increased by an age addition of 25p per week. “I am writing to thank you for this generous increase. “However, in view of the current economic state of the country, I feel I would in some way like to contribute towards helping the recovery of the recession. “Therefore I enclose my first week’s increase, which I trust you will be able to put to good use.”

The real shocker in this story is that Brown actually sent the money back. The over-80s Age Addition allowance has been 25p a week since it was introduced by Ted Heath in 1971.

More HERE.

Tony McNulty - 11 miles? 11 miles? 11 MILES!!!

How the hell can Tony McNulty claim second home allowance for an house that is only 11 bloody miles from Westminster, and unbelievably only 8 miles from his main residence? The cheeky, cheeky bast*rd. If Labour's employment minister had any decency he would be looking for other employment himself. McNulty's spokesman pushed out the usual rubbish to the press: "Tony is completely compliant with all the regulations around the allowances for second homes.. blah, blah, blah......"

Well he may be compliant with the bloody regulations, but he is without doubt twisting the rules as far as they will go. What McNulty has done is as good as steal from the taxpayer.

McNulty - I want my money back you cheating scumbag!

You may not be surprised to find out that McNulty Voted very strongly against a transparent Parliament.

Win a rotten British book with Liberal England.

Liberal England is holding a quiz to win a copy of Eamonn Butler's book The Rotten State of Britain. Click HERE to take part.

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Robbie Williams - Karma Killer.

On Take That: "The thing that struck me the most was how much fun they're having. It's more rewarding when you're a gang. Ever since I left Take That I've wanted to be in a band. We got together a lot over the summer. It was amazing. We've all matured a lot since we parted. I'm very pleased to say the differences we've had have just melted away. I celebrated by getting a Take That symbol tattooed on my right arm. I'm proud to know the boys and I'm proud to be in the band."



My favourite Robbie song.

Bailiffs really are Vampires, but Tom Harris is happy.

Tom Harris is a little surprised at the blogosphere's lack of interest over the announcement that the government are not going to allow the Bailiffs to kick our doors in (not just yet anyway). Is Tom suggesting that we should be applauding this move? Tom says: Labour denies bailiffs the right to enter property; blogscape refuses to notice.

I'm missing something here, Tom wants us to thank Labour for delaying illiberal proposal that THEY made as part of the Tribunals, Courts and Enforcement Act? How does piss off grab you Tom?

Oh, and did you know that under current law, bailiffs can only force entry if they have been previously invited into the house by the debtor - just like Vampires.

Oh, and one more thing - the only reason Jack Straw has put a stop to affront to liberty is that under the current economical climate it will lose Labour desperately needed votes.

If Carlsberg did blog posts for men........

Seeing as it is nice and sunny, here's one for the boys (and possibly the girls):

Beach Volleyball Cheerleaders.

Hat tip: Theo Spark.

Canada, Let George Galloway in, and keep the scumbag.

You've got to love Canadian immigration minister Alykhan Velshi. In a statement about George Galloway's proposed visit to give a speech in Toronto later this month, he said:

"I'm sure Galloway has a large Rolodex of friends in regimes elsewhere in the world willing to roll out the red carpet for him. "Canada, however, won't be one of them. "We're going to uphold the law, not give special treatment to a street-corner Cromwell who brags about giving 'financial support' to Hamas, a terrorist organisation banned in Canada."

Full story HERE.

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ELO. Mr Blue Sky

Written in Switzerland by Jeff Lynne, who hid himself away to write enough material for a double album. After a two week period of writers block dampened by the inclement weather outside, Lynne was suddenly inspired to write Mr. Blue Sky following a break in the weather when the entire area was bathed in sunshine, this was quickly followed by the remainder of the Out of the Blue songs including Concerto for a Rainy Day. Wikipedia.

Global warming comes last in US priorities poll.

From the Heartland Institute:

Global warming ranks dead last among U.S. voters’ priorities, according to a Pew Research Center Poll. The Pew Research Center telephoned 1,503 American adults for the poll. Respondents were presented with 20 issues and asked one by one whether they considered each issue a top priority.

Strengthening the economy ranked most important, with 85 percent of respondents saying it should be a top priority. Addressing global warming ranked dead last, with 30 percent assigning it a top priority.

Lord Christopher Monckton, a prominent British global warming skeptic who served as a policy advisor to former U.K. Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, was not at all surprised by the results. “Americans are not buying the global warming hype for one reason, above all: It is not true,” Monckton said.

“There was no climate crisis; there is no climate crisis; there will be no climate crisis,” Monckton added. “The U.N. says global temperatures will rise by 7 degrees F this century, yet since 1980 global temperatures have been rising at little more than a third of this rate, and since late 2001 temperatures have been falling at a rate of 3.5 degrees F per century.

“A growing band of determined scientists and researchers are exposing the lies being profitably peddled by the surprisingly small clique that drives the scare,” Monckton explained. “The truth always prevails in the end.”

Full story HERE.

The Government - Don't trust them with your data.

From Hansard:

John Mason: To ask the Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs what property has been lost or stolen from his Department in the last 12 months; and what the estimated cost was of replacement of such property.

Huw Irranca-Davies: Items of DEFRA property lost or stolen are all recorded as ‘losses’. The following table shows losses with an estimated value (at the time of loss) of over £50. Figures are for 2008-09 to date.

This is just from one government department in one year! And they want us to trust them with our data.

Motion for vibrator: MP told to go screw herself.

From the Oz Daily Telegraph:

POLICE were called to check harassment claims against a Sydney councillor who put a motion to buy a sex toy for NSW Fair Trading Minister Virginia Judge so she could go "screw herself".

Independent Strathfield councillor Danny Lim lodged the motion last month, recommending that the council purchase a vibrator for Ms Judge to encourage her "to stop screwing with the people of Strathfield and screw her- self instead".

Nice one. Could someone please put in an EDM to get a vibrator for Gordon Brown?

The Power Of Love - Frankie Goes To Hollywood

In November 1991, Holly Johnson learned he was HIV positive. This triggered a temporary withdrawal from the music business and public life in general. His condition was made public in April 1993. In 1994 his critically acclaimed autobiography, A Bone In My Flute, was published.

Since the mid 1990s, Johnson has worked primarily as a painter. His works have been exhibited at the Tate Liverpool, and The Royal Academy.

I don't know why, but this song is very calming. Could anyone else sing this?

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Jon Cruddas - David Cameron might be the real deal.

Jon Cruddas had Tea with the Economist today. When asked whether he believed Cameron was “genuine”, Mr Cruddas said: “I take him [Cameron] quite literally. I think he could be. I think we have to be prepared for the fact he might be the real deal in terms of what he’s talking about.”

From the Economist.com:

William Hill - Sir Fred Goodwin to keep his wad.

From William Hill:

WILLIAM HILL have lengthened their odds about Sir Fred Goodwin handing bank any of his controversial pension pot from 3/1 to 4/1.

'Despite initial thoughts that he may be shamed into handing at least some of the money back it now appears that he is more adamant than ever that he will do no such thing' said Hill's spokesman Graham Sharpe.

Hills are 1/7 that Sir Fred refuses to pay back any of the pension whatsoever before the end of 2009.

My local Hospital is turning into a bloody Bazaar.

My local Hospital is turning into a bloody Bazaar. Well when I say local, I mean the one I now have to travel to seeing as my real local hospital (Haslar) is being shut down. Recently I took my little boy (Freddie) to Queen Alexandra's hospital in Cosham (Portsmouth) to have an eye exam. He had to have eye drops in, so we were sent away for half an hour to allow his pupils to dilate. Thinking we would pass the time over a coffee, the wife and I headed over to the canteen, and there in the passageway outside the canteen was what could only be described as a market stall.

I know what you are thinking, a couple of old ladies selling second hand books and knitted dolls. Well unfortunately this was nothing like that. What this was, was a middle aged Asian looking guy selling cheap watches at £6 a pop. What the bloody hell is going on? Is my local hospital so skint that they have to rent out hospital corridors to market traders. Which idiot on the trust board thought this was a good way to raise revenue? Honestly it's like we're turning into some bloody third world country.

Sorry for the break in transmission.

Sorry for the break in transmission, I've been a bit busy with work and life in general. Normal service will resume shortly.

Cheers

Steve.

HMS Indefensible handed over to Royal Navy.

Received via email.

It's 2038. HMS Indefensible has been handed over to the Royal Navy...

Today in a grand ceremony at Portsmouth dockyard HMS Indefensible was commissioned into the Royal Navy. Described as the most stealthy warship in the world, she is now the only vessel in the Royal Navy and replaces 2 mothballed aircraft carriers, 6 destroyers and 4 submarines. Responding to criticism about the shrinking fleet, the MoD replied "It's not about numbers, it's about quality not quantity. HMS Indefensible represents a revolution in naval procurement, stealthy, light and agile she will provide a highly flexible platform. She is invisible to radar and almost immune to torpedo or missile attack. Her shallow draft makes her ideal for work in the littoral (coastal) areas. She is also highly efficient with virtually zero carbon emissions and zero fuel consumption."

Admiral Sir James Bland added "She is ready to respond instantly to events and can be deployed to trouble spots anywhere in the world. The RAF have promised to fly her to wherever she's needed provided (1)They are not busy (2)The weather is OK (3)There is a large airfield provided by a friendly foreign nation close by".

Constructed by Britain's only ship builder BVATe Systems in Birmingham, taking 8 years to build, and costing just £1.5 Billion she is a triumph of British engineering. Her forward section was built in China in 2 weeks and then shipped to the UK. The forward section was then joined to the stern built in Birmingham and the complex technical systems installed. However the programme was not all plain sailing and has not been without its problems "The original design included an outboard motor but early in the building process the Treasury insisted cost savings had to be made so out went the motor. After some time spent on computer-modelling and research we selected oars" said a BVATe spokesperson.

Although £1.2 Billion over-budget and 3 years late, Secretary of State for Defence, William Bragg says we can all be proud "The Type 48 programme has sustained 10,000 British manufacturing jobs in addition to 30,000 civil servants in the MoD project team. She will represent the leading edge of British manufacturing wherever she goes and is worth every penny" Bragg is also says he is hoping to see export orders soon although as yet there has been little interest.

Some observers have commented that her lack of any armament could be a problem but the MoD answered robustly "The Foreign Office advised us that carrying weapons can be seen as provocative and that actually firing a weapon at someone would definitely infringe their human rights. We considered this advice at an early stage in the design process and together with the fabulous cost-savings, the case for having no armament was overwhelming".

Her commanding officer, Commander Rupert Tubworthy-Pollock said "To be selected from the 1,200 officers still serving in the RN for the only seagoing command available is a great privilege. Bringing her out of build and into commission has been a huge challenge but I'm confident she will prove to be a great asset".

With a crew of just 2, she is a fine example of lean-manning, reducing running costs and lessening the RN's recruitment headaches. Her crew, AB "soapy" Watson said "On my last ship I had to share the mess with 40 other men but on the new Type 48 sharing is far a less of a problem. As I'm now the only rating in the Royal Navy I have a lot of responsibility".

HMS Indefensible is expected to complete sea trials shortly, go to Plymouth for Operational Sea Training, have a short refit in Rosyth and then and be deployed as part of the new Euro-Navy task force.

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Can David Cameron expect to win the Police vote?

Without doubt David Cameron is the party leader most likely to win the Police vote. It's not anything David has done to win their support, it's Brown and Clegg's actions to alienate them. First of all we had Jacqui Smith going back on Police pay arbitration last year. The Police Federation were furious, the then chairman Jan Berry said:

"Police officers across the United Kingdom have delivered a clear message to the Prime Minister. We no longer have any trust or faith in the abilities of Home Secretary Jacqui Smith dealing with our pay and conditions and she must go. "This is not just about money; it is about treating police officers fairly and honouring the decision of the independent Police Arbitration Tribunal. By not honouring the deal the Home Secretary has betrayed the trust of all UK police officers. "It's clear what needs to be done. Honour the deal in full or continue to feel the might and anger of police officers, the public and a growing number of politicians."

And now the LibDems have managed to alienate the entire police force. In response to Liberal Democrats comment on police with criminal convictions, Paul McKeever, Police Federation of England and Wales says;

“It is baffling that a political party claiming they want to restore public confidence could be so keen to conduct this type of headline-grabbing exposé. Not only do these figures serve to undermine confidence in policing by failing to appreciate the nature of these convictions but effectively ignore the thousands of successes achieved by the police each day.

“Are the Liberal Democrats effectively suggesting that a person caught and already punished for a minor offence should then be rejected from the police, even if they possess excellent credentials? Surely it should be that individual cases are dealt with at the discretion of Chief Officers, not by this type of ill conceived policy chomping?

“A party in the shadows would be more effectively employed creating dialogue with interested parties rather than undermining loyal public servants. Confidence is built by two way communication, not petty attempts to discredit.”

There are 140,230 police officers in England and Wales, I think the Conservatives can expect to pick up quite a few of their votes.

Barack O'bama 100/1 to dye his hair green for St. Patrick’s Day

From William Hill:

William Hill believe that Barack Obama is almost certain to down a pint of Guinness on St. Patrick’s Day and make the US President a 1/10 shot to be pictured drinking a pint of Ireland’s favourite tipple on the 17th of March.

Obama was criticised in certain quarters for having a beer at the Bulls v the Wizards basketball game last month, but William Hill’s Irish spokesman Tony Kenny believes the man dubbed O’Bama in Ireland will stay true to his Irish roots and enjoy a pint of Guinness on Ireland’s national day “The President has already said that he’s proud of his Irish heritage and what better way to show it than drinking a pint of the black stuff on St. Paddy’s Day”

William Hill have also come up with some other O’Bama St. Patrick’s Day specials:

The European bookies offer odds of:

2/1 Obama speaks a sentence in Irish during his press conference with the Taoiseach (Irish Prime Minister) Brian Cowen,

25/1 Obama names his next born either Patrick or Patricia,

100/1 Obama dyes his hair green for St. Patrick’s Day,

1000/1 He confirms his name is O’Bama not Obama,

and (my personal favourite) 10,000/1 Obama confirms the existence of Leprechauns during his first term of office.

Polish jobs for polish workers - Oh the irony.

According to Karolina Slowikowska, reporting for Reuters, Poland's trade unions are calling restrictions on some foreign workers. It's hard to blame them as many Poles working here in the UK and Ireland will be returning home as our economy continues to collapse. But it is a little ironic that a country that is such an exporter of workers, should now be thinking of stopping imports.

Jan Guz, head of the OPPZ union said:

'The Polish government should consider limiting the inflow of foreigners because there cannot be wage and employment dumping. 'We are not talking about Germans or other European Union citizens ... We are talking of Ukrainians, Belarussians, Chinese ... Employers tend to pick them because they work for peanuts,'

Hmmm....

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